Friday, January 27, 2012

Exercise (from 2010)

"P-zing!" The button shot off the waist of my pants, rocketed across the room, ricocheted off a vase and careened off the skull of the dozing cat. In the spastic flurry of pain and surprise, the cat did a double rollover and then laid in a semi-conscious state meowing pitifully. My increasing waistline almost killed. I now knew I had a problem.

After self-analysis, a shirtless fifteen minutes in front of the bathroom mirror sucking it in and then jiggling my belly which included whistling while making my belly-button appear as a tiny mouth, I decided that I needed to change my diet and exercise plan. Being that I have been known to close down a buffet, I took a look at my diet and concluded that my caloric intake suited my active lifestyle of teaching, coaching, marriage and children. After all, a busy sports car like myself burns up fuel. So that left exercise.

So, the first thing I did was sit up. After I caught my breath, I thought some Internet research would be the way to go. Yet, this led to the question, which -inizer device should I purchase. There was a abdominizer, the bunninizer, the flabanizer, the glutomaxinizer and something called a full womanizer; it sounded like something that would hurt, so I stayed away from it. All these devices "targeted" specialized muscles and would build a better body for 20 minutes a day. Reflecting back to my minutes in front of the mirror, I seemed that I would have to buy seven different devices and then work out 140 minutes a day. That seemed a bit extreme.

This was going to take some time. I decided to get a bag a chips and a large glass of cola while I searched for one of those complete gym set ups. I had not even started on the French onion dip when I had a heart attack. The darn things were expensive. I could exercise on my own without spending any money. All I had to do was recall what I did in gym class back in high school.

There were sit ups, pull ups, jumping jacks, windmills and toe touches. There were all those running games and dodge-ball. I could get some of the red rubber balls and have my kids chuck them at me. Of course, I would need a cup. I had too many days where a flying ball or sports apparatus interrupted my breathing pattern by hitting me in the groin. I wonder how many calories I could burn when I "walk it off."

So, now I have a plan of the regular, day to day, no cost program from the old school day gym class. The next step is to find my gym shoes and the tube socks that went up to just below my knees with the colored strips. If I get up early, I can get to the sporting goods store and find a spot right by the front door. I hate walking from the back of any parking lot.

And as of 2012, I have gotten to the sporting good store several times to buy athletic shoes! Don't say congratulations. I keep buying them for my growing athletic kids. My plan is still not doing so well.